Trauma and its associated pain and suffering can create a spin cycle inside of me. It’s that frantic excitability that puts me on a rat wheel…spin and spin…incessant. The underlying anxiety and racing thoughts are debilitating. To escape, I have developed coping mechanisms in an attempt to survive, control, manage, and numb. These can become compulsive or addictive. I might run, rage, defend, blame, rationalize, gas-light, act out, or attach… I might become hypervigilant and plan every possible contingency so I can avoid. BUT…below the coping is the spin…round and round I go. It never leaves me.

It’s isolating and I feel like I am trapped inside of a vault. The walls are covered with lies, half-truths, trauma messages, vitriol, self-hate, self-harm, resentment, bitterness… I continue to repeat these thoughts to myself over and over again. 

AND…once I choose to enter into a relationship with God – I am never alone.  I realize there is a door inside of my vault and it is unlocked. I can choose to leave. 

The wooing calls…Come out and separate. Come to Me. Detach. Surrender. Let go. 

I begin to realize that what got me in and keeps me in is not what is going to get me out. I am powerless over everything in this space. I take a risk. I choose to open the door and leave. I let go of the spin and I don’t attach. It tries to draw me back in, but His presence is more powerful than what is inside. 

I run to Him and I let it all go. I sit. I rest. Silence in His presence is a precious gift. I find joy and peace.

AND still…the parts of me that resist God remain…so I return to that space of chaos. 

I’m not alone. The wooing calls…Come out and separate. Come to Me. Detach. Surrender. Let go.